Don't You Ever Get Lonely?

Still obsessed and listening to Lydia. :D
I don't really know. I'm lame and just an angstface. Today wasn't that bad, but I don't really know what to compare it to. I don't know. It wasn't bad. Especially not compared to last night, last night was bad. I don't know why. It just kinda was. I wrote a poem, and it's terrible. Maybe later if I feel like it I'll post it, but it's kind of embarrassing how cheesy and bad it is.

I saw this postcard on PostSecret, and it got me thinking...

It kind of applies to me, only I'm worse- I'm not even ambitious enough to dream. What do I want for the future? All I know is, not this. I don't want my parents, well really just not my dad, to be much of a part of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be with people I love, only I don't know where they're going to be. I want to make enough money to live off at a job I enjoy. The problem is, what job? I guess I'm creative, but I'm not good enough at art or anything of the sort to just be an artist. I'm not musically talented and I can't write. Sports or anything physical is completely out of the question. The problem is, I really don't want to just sit in an office and talk to people on the phone or crunch numbers or sell things. But everyone says they don't want an office job, but I'm not awesome enough to go out there and get what I want, and someone has to do the boring office jobs; what if it's me?

And then there's college. I know I'm only a freshman, but some people say I shouldn't be worrying about college, but everyone already knows what they want to do and where they want to go, and I have no idea what's going on in my life beyond, like, tomorrow. Not that anything ever really goes on in my life. Nothing. It's painfully boring but what is there to do when you're not good at anything and you're so socially awkward that it almost disables you? But anyway. College. That means going away [the good part] and making new friends all over again. I've moved seven times. I don't want to make any more friends. I want to keep the ones I have. But we all have different interests and stuff and it's not like we'll all go to the same college. It terrifies me though.

I want to get out of this situation, this time, but at the same time I don't want to face what's ahead.
I don't want time to stop because then I'll be stuck here.
I don't want to go forward because I'm terrified of what's to come.
Can't someone just tell me if everything's going to be okay?

Don't You Say That I've Gone Crazy.

It's been a while. I don't know why I haven't been updating this. I used to be able to pull up a blank screen and just pour out thoughts. It's not that I don't have thoughts worth pouring out... I've been writing in my real journal a lot more now and that might be part of it. I don't know. No one reads this anyway. I guess I just kind of owe it to you/myself/the blog since I made this wiht intentions of actually writing in it. Part of my non-writing is that when I start really thinking, I start thinking about things I don't want to and it kind of brings me down. Wow, that sounds so melodramatic it makes me want to punch myself. I tend to have that effect on people. Including myself. But anyway. Don't misinterpret that statement- things really aren't that bad for me. I haven't been raped or physically abused, my parents aren't dead, I have a house, and I don't know, those are all stereotypical problems that I get mad at people for bringing up whenever anyone talks about problems. 'Are you starving? Then don't complain.' People like that have a bit of a point but they piss me off! Anyway. Things really aren't that bad, at all, I'm just terrible at handling things, and I'm a wallower. D:



I hate my lameness and I could go on about it forever, but instead I'll talk about things that are awesome.



The Mercy of Thin Air by Ronlyn Domingue- my mom recommended this book to me. I finished it last weekend, and it was absolutely amazing. I love the story and it really got me thinking. I haven't been reading much lately but a book like this was all I needed to get back on the reading train. (what's wrong with me? reading train? heh.) I'm not going to summarize it because I'm lame but this girl is dead and like watching what goes on, and I love her perspective and it's a really cool idea of what happens after death. Incredibly interesting- and the somewhat ghostiness isn't even the main point of the book. Read it!



Impulse by Ellen Hopkins- a lot of people like books by her, so I figured this was worth trying. It looked really good so I borrowed it from a friend and read about half at her house, and then she lost it and I just got it back, today actually. Anyway, you don't care about that. I haven't finished it yet but it's great. It's really emotional and I love it.



Illuminate by Lydia- I heard One More Day on AOLradio, and I loved it, so I went ahead and bought the album. I'm listening to it right now, actually. I love it. It's beautiful. Definitely one of my new favorite bands.

What else was I going to talk about? I don't quite remember.
I should be doing my homework anyway.
hasta luego.

I Think I Could Use Some Snow About Now.

A week? Without posting? I guess so. I haven't had much computer time on the last week and the little computer time I have had has been spent on Facebook [yes, I finally got one; no, I will not link you to it.].
So what's new in the life of me? Not much. At all. In fact, too little. I don't do anything worthwhile with my life and it makes it feel so pointless. I mean, I consider myself a creative person, but when was the last time I did anything creative? I don't even know. Unless you consider putting outfits together creative. I guess it depends. But anyway.
I find it hard to believe that Christmas is in just over two weeks! It actually scares me. Usually I'm looking forward to Christmas long before Thanksgiving, and I guess I have a little bit, but somehow I'm having trouble getting myself into the festive mood. This is really depressing. I'm thinking that part of it is that I'm going to Florida for Christmas, which is not wintery and has no snow or pine trees, and the knowledge that I'm not gonna get very many persents this year. Even so. What's wrong with me?

Like a Rocket Through Me

Gah, I always expect there to be a thirty-first of November, and thus December always takes me by surprise. I mean, really? It's December first? Well, I guess it is. Whooo!
Today was a surprisingly good day, especially for a monday... for no particular reason. What was wierd, though, was this motivational speaker. He's the same one who we saw last year, and I thought he was really good last year. This year I found myself a little annoyed. He was definitely a good speaker, and he definitely got it [if you know what I mean... you probably don't.], but something about that speech... I don't know. It was about how everyone hides their problems and wears a mask to fit in and such.... I know all about that, but I hope it got some shallow kids to think about some things. I felt really wierd though, because he would go through all these stories/impersonations of people and their situations and problems and whatnot, and sometimes he would say something like, "Does anyone hear me? Anyone know what that feels like?" And sometimes I felt like there was a big arrow lit up over my head. I don't know. Meh. Wow, I make very little sense.

Hmm, I had something else I wanted to say but I can't seem to remember quite what it was. Get used to this happening a lot.

A Lazy Conclusion to a Fun Weekend.

Haaaaaaaaaah. Would you like to know how I've spent my day? Well, last night I slept over at my friend's house and we stayed up talking till 4 or so, so I guess that counts as today.... anyway. After returning home and showering, I've spent all of today until about five minutes ago cleaning out my room. Oh yes. And now I feel all light and refreshed (lol, refreshed) from throwing out so much junk. It's really sad how much crap I hoard. I'm afraid I'll grow up to be like that lady who was on Oprah that one time, who had like two hundred tons of crap in her house. I'm lazy, but maybe I'll find a link to something about it later. It was pretty gross.

Anyway. I'm happy to report that I've already recieved an early Christmas present: this jacketlike object in black. (Don't worry, I got it at Century 21 so it wasn't $130 like it is on UO.)



Yaaaayyyy! I have to admit that I really like the brown, but I couldn't find that one at the store, and there was no grey in my size. But I already have a grey jacket and black goes with everything, you know? Well, I'm glad because I've been really really in need of a new hoodie [I know this doesn't have a hood. Shuttup!]. SOyeah.
I have no idea why I just told you that, but I did. Meh.

Well, how was your weekend, blogging world? Mine was pretty funnnn. I wish it wasn't ending, though. Sigh, another week of school. Well, wish me luck waking up at 6:05 tomorrow.

Hard to Notice What Is Passing With Eyes Lowered.

Oh, I apologize for the lack of posts this week or so. If there is anyone to apologize to, because as far as I know no one reads this. I guess it takes a while to gain any amount of internet popularity...however, I don't know what about this blog would attract such popularity anyway. Well, if you're reading this, I guess someone is, right? I just enjoy putting my random thoughts into the internet. The internet is great, you know? I never get over just how awesome it is. [Wow, I must sound like a wierd hillbilly who just discovered computers. Well, I'm not.] 'Cause you can hide in the internet, but at the same time show yourself to the world, but show yourself how you want to be seen. Am I making sense? You know what, this is a pointless rant. I'll stop now.

Oh, yeah. Happy [belated] Thanksgiving and all that. Mine was pleasant, I suppose, but nothing particularly special. But now it's over, and it's officially Christmas time! Ohh yessss. Now I can finally be all obnoxiously holly-jolly and crap without feeling guilty! I am just sooo excited, Christmas is the best.

Anyway. You're probably wondering what's with my super angsty title. Wellll. I don't know. I'm just so depressingly cheesy with my teen angst and melancholy-ness and lameness and cheese. Blah. If you haven't guessed, I've got abolsutely no life. I know there's lots I should be doing, like trying to write and draw and practice piano... I'm trying to become better at artistic things so I can at least have something to call a hobby. But after school I'm just so tired and don't want to do anything. Holy muffins, I'm so lame and I hate it. Gah, I keep typing these long rants and deleting them because they're not going anywhere, but I think what I'm trying to tell myself is that I can be as lazy as I want, but if I want things to get better I need to get off my arse and do something with my life and give it meaning myself instead of waiting for someone awesome to appear and make everything happy. WHY AM I SO EFFING CHEESY. So much cheese, I'm gonna have a heart attack. Mehh.

Tall Just Like a Giraffe, You Have to Climb to Find its Head.

Good evening bloggers and haaaaappppyyyyy Friiiiiiiiday!
...You wouldn't get that unless you went to my middle school. Which you probably did not. I hope you don't go to my school, no offense or anything. What I mean is that I really just would rather not have people from school reading this just because then I would have to watch everything I said, and it would make me all self-conscious. What if I said something I didn't want people at school to know? Meh. I guess most people from school wouldn't know this was me, anyway.

Anyway. My week went by pretty fast but wasn't particularly bad, which I suppose makes it a good week. Today was a pretty good day... school was meh, goodish. I'm not going to go through everything I did today (not all that much, but still) 'cause that would be pretty boring. I will say that I spent a good portion of this evening playing Connect Four with my friend Vince who is amazing at it. I am proud to say that despite how painfully unobservant I can be, I managed to win five games. Out of like twenty. But that's beside the point. :B

I was looking through random stations on Sirius the other day, and I came across this song The Zookeeper's Boy by Mew. I gave it a listen, mostly cause I thought the name of the song had potential to be really cute, and the pokemon Mew is awesome... and I rather liked it. I suggest you go check it out, it's all cute and dreamy and poppy but not too cutesy.

I believe that's the extent of the random thoughts I've got to share for now. Wow, I'm lame.