WANT WANT WANT

Is it creepy that I really, really want this pair of shoes intended for men? I don't even care. They are just SO COOL. I finally looked up Swear because some really cool people on Lookbook have them. And I want them. I am trying to decide if I want black or white, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about that, at least for a while, because I'm a brokemuffin.

It just occurred to me that I haven't written of anything of substance. Just shoes I want and angst. I guess that's me in a nutshell. Except not really.

Misguided By The 405

SO. Bloggers, if anyone is reading this, the answer to which is most likely NO, I just wanted to apologize, to no one in particular, that I'm going to actually start writing in here for serious. And my birthdaay is March 18th [ :D ] and I'm pretty sure I'm getting a camera so from that point on I will try to post some of my outfits. Won't that be fun!



In other news, my brother told me to draw a self-portrait on Paint in thirty seconds.

Hahaha. I didn't know where to start, and I suck at drawing. On Paint. With a mouse.

I R PUNKZ

SO I could go on another angst rant but right now, surprisingly, I'm not really in the mood. In that case I'm going to go on a rant about shoes. Although I have outgrown my days of wearing studded belts daily, and I'm not trying to dress so poser-emo anymore, I love how lately studs are getting way popular but innot as much of a punkish way but more just awesome and kind of edgy and vintagey rockish way. I really need new shoes [all I've really been wearing lately are my sequined converse, which I adore, but I wear them way too much; and my black blowfish, and my slightly different yellow blowfish.] and I've been lusting after these:

My only fear is that I'll look like a poser. Even so, I need D:

Don't You Ever Get Lonely?

Still obsessed and listening to Lydia. :D
I don't really know. I'm lame and just an angstface. Today wasn't that bad, but I don't really know what to compare it to. I don't know. It wasn't bad. Especially not compared to last night, last night was bad. I don't know why. It just kinda was. I wrote a poem, and it's terrible. Maybe later if I feel like it I'll post it, but it's kind of embarrassing how cheesy and bad it is.

I saw this postcard on PostSecret, and it got me thinking...

It kind of applies to me, only I'm worse- I'm not even ambitious enough to dream. What do I want for the future? All I know is, not this. I don't want my parents, well really just not my dad, to be much of a part of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be with people I love, only I don't know where they're going to be. I want to make enough money to live off at a job I enjoy. The problem is, what job? I guess I'm creative, but I'm not good enough at art or anything of the sort to just be an artist. I'm not musically talented and I can't write. Sports or anything physical is completely out of the question. The problem is, I really don't want to just sit in an office and talk to people on the phone or crunch numbers or sell things. But everyone says they don't want an office job, but I'm not awesome enough to go out there and get what I want, and someone has to do the boring office jobs; what if it's me?

And then there's college. I know I'm only a freshman, but some people say I shouldn't be worrying about college, but everyone already knows what they want to do and where they want to go, and I have no idea what's going on in my life beyond, like, tomorrow. Not that anything ever really goes on in my life. Nothing. It's painfully boring but what is there to do when you're not good at anything and you're so socially awkward that it almost disables you? But anyway. College. That means going away [the good part] and making new friends all over again. I've moved seven times. I don't want to make any more friends. I want to keep the ones I have. But we all have different interests and stuff and it's not like we'll all go to the same college. It terrifies me though.

I want to get out of this situation, this time, but at the same time I don't want to face what's ahead.
I don't want time to stop because then I'll be stuck here.
I don't want to go forward because I'm terrified of what's to come.
Can't someone just tell me if everything's going to be okay?

Don't You Say That I've Gone Crazy.

It's been a while. I don't know why I haven't been updating this. I used to be able to pull up a blank screen and just pour out thoughts. It's not that I don't have thoughts worth pouring out... I've been writing in my real journal a lot more now and that might be part of it. I don't know. No one reads this anyway. I guess I just kind of owe it to you/myself/the blog since I made this wiht intentions of actually writing in it. Part of my non-writing is that when I start really thinking, I start thinking about things I don't want to and it kind of brings me down. Wow, that sounds so melodramatic it makes me want to punch myself. I tend to have that effect on people. Including myself. But anyway. Don't misinterpret that statement- things really aren't that bad for me. I haven't been raped or physically abused, my parents aren't dead, I have a house, and I don't know, those are all stereotypical problems that I get mad at people for bringing up whenever anyone talks about problems. 'Are you starving? Then don't complain.' People like that have a bit of a point but they piss me off! Anyway. Things really aren't that bad, at all, I'm just terrible at handling things, and I'm a wallower. D:



I hate my lameness and I could go on about it forever, but instead I'll talk about things that are awesome.



The Mercy of Thin Air by Ronlyn Domingue- my mom recommended this book to me. I finished it last weekend, and it was absolutely amazing. I love the story and it really got me thinking. I haven't been reading much lately but a book like this was all I needed to get back on the reading train. (what's wrong with me? reading train? heh.) I'm not going to summarize it because I'm lame but this girl is dead and like watching what goes on, and I love her perspective and it's a really cool idea of what happens after death. Incredibly interesting- and the somewhat ghostiness isn't even the main point of the book. Read it!



Impulse by Ellen Hopkins- a lot of people like books by her, so I figured this was worth trying. It looked really good so I borrowed it from a friend and read about half at her house, and then she lost it and I just got it back, today actually. Anyway, you don't care about that. I haven't finished it yet but it's great. It's really emotional and I love it.



Illuminate by Lydia- I heard One More Day on AOLradio, and I loved it, so I went ahead and bought the album. I'm listening to it right now, actually. I love it. It's beautiful. Definitely one of my new favorite bands.

What else was I going to talk about? I don't quite remember.
I should be doing my homework anyway.
hasta luego.

I Think I Could Use Some Snow About Now.

A week? Without posting? I guess so. I haven't had much computer time on the last week and the little computer time I have had has been spent on Facebook [yes, I finally got one; no, I will not link you to it.].
So what's new in the life of me? Not much. At all. In fact, too little. I don't do anything worthwhile with my life and it makes it feel so pointless. I mean, I consider myself a creative person, but when was the last time I did anything creative? I don't even know. Unless you consider putting outfits together creative. I guess it depends. But anyway.
I find it hard to believe that Christmas is in just over two weeks! It actually scares me. Usually I'm looking forward to Christmas long before Thanksgiving, and I guess I have a little bit, but somehow I'm having trouble getting myself into the festive mood. This is really depressing. I'm thinking that part of it is that I'm going to Florida for Christmas, which is not wintery and has no snow or pine trees, and the knowledge that I'm not gonna get very many persents this year. Even so. What's wrong with me?

Like a Rocket Through Me

Gah, I always expect there to be a thirty-first of November, and thus December always takes me by surprise. I mean, really? It's December first? Well, I guess it is. Whooo!
Today was a surprisingly good day, especially for a monday... for no particular reason. What was wierd, though, was this motivational speaker. He's the same one who we saw last year, and I thought he was really good last year. This year I found myself a little annoyed. He was definitely a good speaker, and he definitely got it [if you know what I mean... you probably don't.], but something about that speech... I don't know. It was about how everyone hides their problems and wears a mask to fit in and such.... I know all about that, but I hope it got some shallow kids to think about some things. I felt really wierd though, because he would go through all these stories/impersonations of people and their situations and problems and whatnot, and sometimes he would say something like, "Does anyone hear me? Anyone know what that feels like?" And sometimes I felt like there was a big arrow lit up over my head. I don't know. Meh. Wow, I make very little sense.

Hmm, I had something else I wanted to say but I can't seem to remember quite what it was. Get used to this happening a lot.