Don't You Ever Get Lonely?

Still obsessed and listening to Lydia. :D
I don't really know. I'm lame and just an angstface. Today wasn't that bad, but I don't really know what to compare it to. I don't know. It wasn't bad. Especially not compared to last night, last night was bad. I don't know why. It just kinda was. I wrote a poem, and it's terrible. Maybe later if I feel like it I'll post it, but it's kind of embarrassing how cheesy and bad it is.

I saw this postcard on PostSecret, and it got me thinking...

It kind of applies to me, only I'm worse- I'm not even ambitious enough to dream. What do I want for the future? All I know is, not this. I don't want my parents, well really just not my dad, to be much of a part of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be with people I love, only I don't know where they're going to be. I want to make enough money to live off at a job I enjoy. The problem is, what job? I guess I'm creative, but I'm not good enough at art or anything of the sort to just be an artist. I'm not musically talented and I can't write. Sports or anything physical is completely out of the question. The problem is, I really don't want to just sit in an office and talk to people on the phone or crunch numbers or sell things. But everyone says they don't want an office job, but I'm not awesome enough to go out there and get what I want, and someone has to do the boring office jobs; what if it's me?

And then there's college. I know I'm only a freshman, but some people say I shouldn't be worrying about college, but everyone already knows what they want to do and where they want to go, and I have no idea what's going on in my life beyond, like, tomorrow. Not that anything ever really goes on in my life. Nothing. It's painfully boring but what is there to do when you're not good at anything and you're so socially awkward that it almost disables you? But anyway. College. That means going away [the good part] and making new friends all over again. I've moved seven times. I don't want to make any more friends. I want to keep the ones I have. But we all have different interests and stuff and it's not like we'll all go to the same college. It terrifies me though.

I want to get out of this situation, this time, but at the same time I don't want to face what's ahead.
I don't want time to stop because then I'll be stuck here.
I don't want to go forward because I'm terrified of what's to come.
Can't someone just tell me if everything's going to be okay?

Don't You Say That I've Gone Crazy.

It's been a while. I don't know why I haven't been updating this. I used to be able to pull up a blank screen and just pour out thoughts. It's not that I don't have thoughts worth pouring out... I've been writing in my real journal a lot more now and that might be part of it. I don't know. No one reads this anyway. I guess I just kind of owe it to you/myself/the blog since I made this wiht intentions of actually writing in it. Part of my non-writing is that when I start really thinking, I start thinking about things I don't want to and it kind of brings me down. Wow, that sounds so melodramatic it makes me want to punch myself. I tend to have that effect on people. Including myself. But anyway. Don't misinterpret that statement- things really aren't that bad for me. I haven't been raped or physically abused, my parents aren't dead, I have a house, and I don't know, those are all stereotypical problems that I get mad at people for bringing up whenever anyone talks about problems. 'Are you starving? Then don't complain.' People like that have a bit of a point but they piss me off! Anyway. Things really aren't that bad, at all, I'm just terrible at handling things, and I'm a wallower. D:



I hate my lameness and I could go on about it forever, but instead I'll talk about things that are awesome.



The Mercy of Thin Air by Ronlyn Domingue- my mom recommended this book to me. I finished it last weekend, and it was absolutely amazing. I love the story and it really got me thinking. I haven't been reading much lately but a book like this was all I needed to get back on the reading train. (what's wrong with me? reading train? heh.) I'm not going to summarize it because I'm lame but this girl is dead and like watching what goes on, and I love her perspective and it's a really cool idea of what happens after death. Incredibly interesting- and the somewhat ghostiness isn't even the main point of the book. Read it!



Impulse by Ellen Hopkins- a lot of people like books by her, so I figured this was worth trying. It looked really good so I borrowed it from a friend and read about half at her house, and then she lost it and I just got it back, today actually. Anyway, you don't care about that. I haven't finished it yet but it's great. It's really emotional and I love it.



Illuminate by Lydia- I heard One More Day on AOLradio, and I loved it, so I went ahead and bought the album. I'm listening to it right now, actually. I love it. It's beautiful. Definitely one of my new favorite bands.

What else was I going to talk about? I don't quite remember.
I should be doing my homework anyway.
hasta luego.